Faith~Belief~Trust

It has been a few days since I have written. But this evening I wanted to share a little concerning my faith~belief and trust. Right now I am on an adventure like nothing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I get discouraged and frustrated and frightened of the unknown. But I pick myself up and keep pushing forward. Do I believe that God will be with me each step of the way? Yes, I do. Do I believe it is God's will that I have cancer? No, I do not. There are many healing promises in the Bible that makes it clear to me that God doesn't want any of His "kids" sick. I love Psalm 103:1-4: "Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases; He redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion."
I have had to make some serious decisions since I was diagnosed with cancer. It is such a frightful position to be in that one is inclined to jump on the bandwagon and do what most everyone else chooses to do. It is basically all we know....surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and finally Tamoxifen. I want to say right here that I am not judgemental of anyone who chooses to go the medical route. It is a very personal decision and we each have the right to do what seems right to us. For me, it was choosing to go man's way or God's way. Now I know many believe that God works through science and has given us medical science. I, too, believe there are many blessings in the health care field, but we have to choose and it depends on what our need is. For me personally, it was trusting God and following His health plan for healing. (In my next Post I will talk specifically about the plan I am following.)
"I am the Lord who heals you." Exodus 15:26
"And the fruit shall be for food and the leaves for medicine (healing)". Ezekiel 47:12
"Follow the commands, decrees & laws (health laws) I give you - and I (the Lord) will keep you free from disease." Deuteronomy 7:11-15
These are just a few of the many promises that have been an encouragement to me.
Does my God care about me? Yes He does.
Do I believe His promises? Yes, I do.
Do I have a part to play? Yes, I do. I must do everything I know to take care of this body temple that my Creator created.
Has God given us a health plan? Yes He did.
Did I always follow it? No, I didn't.
I am so committed to following His plan and I fully believe that by putting only those things God created for us to use for food my immune system will be strong and will be able to destroy the cancer that is in my body.
Yes, my faith is strong ~ my belief in God is strong ~ and I have trust that His ways will bring health and healing.

New Nanny

Tawnya hired a new nanny and September 8, 2008 was my last day. She hired Miss Kate to work Monday through Thursday and I would still work on Friday.

Now I would begin my treatment plan in earnest....

Surprise Visit!

August 30, 2008 we were eating lunch when we received a call from Kevin. He just chatted a bit and then asked what we were doing over the weekend. I told him we were just going to hang out at home and didn't really have any plans.

That evening about 6 the phone rang and it was Kevin again. He asked if I had received the package that he had send overnite express and it should have arrived that afternoon. I told him I hadn't seen it but as I talked I was walking to the front door to check to see if it was on the front porch. When I opened the door there stood little miss Toren on the from porch and Kevin was hiding around the corner of the garage and Anneliese was hiding behind the car!

What a wonderful surprise!!! We had a delightful weekend with them. Family is so special and we love each one so much.

Therapy Decisions

I arrived home from the school reunion on August 26th. Tawnya was still interviewing applicants for the nanny position, but had not hired anyone yet so I was still working full time.

Treatment decisions were constantly on my mind. The first major choice I needed to make was whether to have a lumpectomy or not. For days I kept going back and forth. One minute I would decide to have the surgery and then I would decide not too.

I was praying constantly for wisdom to make the correct decision. When I would decide to have surgery it made me feel very troubled. And of course there was pressure from others to continue on with medical treatment. But this was a decision only God and I could make. I was constantly reading and doing research.

I know that from this point on I will share things that many will not be in agreement with. I knew that when I began this Blog. But I want to share from my heart and pray that you will give me the space to say what I need to say. Yes, the treatment plan I am choosing to take is not the treatment plan that most people take. There are thousands who have gone natural, but we don't hear much about them.

I finally made the decision to not have surgery, chemotherapy (if suggested) radiation or take Tamoxifen. Once I made that decision I felt complete peace.

School Reunion

I was scheduled to fly from Salt Lake City to Portland, OR the day after I saw the surgeon. The timing was wonderful as it gave me a diversion and some time to think about the healing plan I needed to follow. I graduated from Myrtle Point, OR high school in 1961. The school was having a 1960's reunion and myself and several girlfriends had planned to meet and spend that time together. Emily Yellot, Joan Crawford, Avis Spires and myself had been friends all through high school. We had graduated 47 years ago!! During that time I had seen Emily 3 times, Avis 1 time and Joan 2 times. We had not kept in touch real well, but when we did it was like we picked up where we had left off. Emily, Joan and I flew into the Portland airport about the same time and took a shuttle to my mom's in Newberg, OR. Mom let us borrow her car to drive the 4 hours on down to Myrtle Point for the reunion. Avis had graciously invited us to stay at her home for the weekend. Oh, my, did we have a good time!!!

After the reunion Emily, Joan and I drove up the Oregon Coast and stayed at a motel on the beach at Lincoln City. We had beautiful weather and lots of "talk" time! Then we returned mom's car and we all flew out of Portland to our various homes.

During our time together we talked about my new diagnosis of breast cancer. It was nice to have the distraction and yet I knew I had some major decisions to make concerning my treatment. The 5 days away went all too fast.

AN EMOTIONAL DAY

I checked in at the main desk, filled out the paper work and waited in the waiting room to see the surgeon. Tawnya, Martin and I chatted while we waited. I felt pretty much at peace. Since my diagnosis on August 12th I had done bunches of research on my options. I had come to several conclusions on certain issues, but was still not sure on other issues. Tawnya had talked to me and was afraid I was going in to see the surgeon with preconceived ideas and would not be open to his suggestions. I assured her I would listen carefully and weigh my decisions carefully. We are talking life or death. I wanted to choose life.

We were called into the doctor's examining room and he soon came in. I felt pretty numb. It was like I couldn't grasp where I was ~ and yet I knew very well where I was. The doctor did a manual breast exam to see if he could feel the tumor. Since it is small he couldn't feel it.

At the top of a paper he wrote: Breast Cancer
Invasive Ductal Carcinoma ~ 80%
Lobular Carcinoma~ 10-15%
I had the most common kind of breast cancer.
He also explained that the cancer Estrogen Receptor Assay (ER) was positive.
The Progesterone Receptor Assay (PR) was negative.
HER2 Assay by Herceptest was positive (3+).
He went on to say that this is not the kind of breast cancer they like to see.

Then he then went on to explain my options:
He made 2 columns. The first column he listed:

BREAST PRESERVATION:
Lumpectomy and sampling of armpit lymph nodes
-Clear margins
"get it all out"
-Radiation is REQUIRED!!!
5 days a week for 6 weeks
30 treatments
-Chemotherapy-?
Based on surgical patholgy report
-Tamoxifen - yes
1 pill a day for 5 years

The second column on the paper said:

Modified Radical Mastectomy
-Remove entire breast amd sample armpit lymph nodes
"Get it all out"
Radiation recommended in special cases
-Chemotherapy-?
Same
-Tamoxifen - Same
Yes
-Reconstruction
Implants
Own tissue


Then he explained about the Sentinel Lymph Node~
He would take out 3-6 lymph nodes - the ones that drain that area of the breast.
If negative for tumor would stop
If positive for tumor he would do an Auxilliary Discection

Now, I have to tell you that sitting there and listening to all that was not the greatest thing I have ever done in my life!! (Tawnya told me later that I looked white as a sheet and she was afraid I was going to faint.)

Then the surgeon told me there was no other option and he wanted to know what I thought.

I thought for a moment and I said: "Do you really want to know what I think?" He said he did. And I said: "This is way to overwhelming and I can not make a decision today."

Visit to the Surgeon - 8/21/2008

I continued to work as a nanny for our grandchildren after I received the diagnosis of malignacy. But in the next couple of days I knew I would need to quit. I so much wanted to keep caring for the children and I did not want to tell our daughter that she needed to find another nanny. Even though I knew she knew I could not keep working.

I wanted to talk with Tawnya alone, but with her heavy schedule that was difficult to do. When she got home at night the children were so excited to see her and that would not be the time to talk to her. So as the weekend approached I prayed that someway I would be able to talk with her.
Sunday morning (8/17/08), bright and early, guess who was at our door? Tawnya was preparing for a marathon and had run the 6 1/2 miles to our house! So we sat and visited a bit and then I began to cry and told her she would have to find a new nanny. I knew I needed to quit work to get well. She knew that too.

So she began advertising and interviewing different ones for the position.
In the meantime I kept working. It was a very difficult time. I was going through lots of emotions at the time and yet I needed to be able to care adequately for the children. I was emotinally spent.

At first I just couldn't grasp the magnitude of the diagnosis. I felt good. I had no symptons. How could this be true. And then I felt so angry. I had been a vegetarian for 42 years and a (almost) vegan for around 10 years. We were vegans at home, but not necessarily if we were at someones home or eating out. There were no women in my family with breast cancer so there wasn't that genetic factor. How could this happen? I never did say, "why me?" I guess I didn't feel that anyone else deserved this diagnosis anymore than I did, but I had been kind of a "health nut" and I guess I thought that would protect me. The Loma Linda Health Study even reports that if you are vegetarian and or vegan your risk in nearly nil. But as we know statistics are only statistics. There are always the exceptions.

My appointment with the surgeon was August 21, 2008. Tawnya met Martin and me at the doctor's office.

Breast Cancer Diagnosis ~ Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I woke up this morning knowing that by the end of the day I would know whether I was a breast cancer patient or not. I got up at the usual time of 5 a.m. to prepare for work and left home around 7 a.m. I was eager to hear from the doctor and yet fear would set in from time to time wondering what the results would be. The morning was routine in care for the children. We read books, played with play dough and watched "Einsteins" on TV. The Radiologist had told me to call him Tuesday afternoon. I was also given another number for a Care Coordinator. I waited until 1 p.m. and I called the Care Coordinator to see if they had the results. She told me they had not received the pathology report yet and told me to call back in an hour. My heart is pounding and I am wanting to know and yet I don't want to know....I call back at 2 p.m. and there are still no results. I call at 3 p.m. and the Care Coordinator puts me on hold and immeditely transfers me to the Radiologist. He picks up the phone and says he is sorry to inform me that the needle biopsy showed a malignancy.

The children were still napping and I was alone. My knees felt weak and I felt like someone had kicked me in the pit of the stomach. I tried to call my husband, Martin, and could not reach him. My mind was racing a million miles a minute..........women die every day from breast cancer....how can this be?.........none of my relatives have had breast cancer.......I have lived a fairly healthy lifestyle......no smoking......no alcohol......no meat.....and my thoughts just raced. I was too numb to cry at that time. It did not seem like a reality. I wondered how I would get through the rest of the day.

I finally reached Martin and our daughter, Tawnya. I wanted to let Tawnya know before she got home as once she gets home the 4 children are so excited to see her it is difficult to talk. Martin and Tawnya had not been concerned as they felt my lifestyle would have protected me from breast cancer. They were both surprised and pretty somber when I told them.

The Radiologist gave me the name of a Surgeon to make an appointment with. Tawnya did some research and found out he had a good reputation so I made an appointment to go in and see him on August 21, 2008.

My Journey to Health, continued

July 17, 2008 I prepare to go in for an annual physical. It had been 2 1/2 years since I had seen a doctor. I have been so healthy and considered myself low risk for any major illness. I had been a vegetarian for 42 years and a vegan for the last 10 years. Martin and I were "Health Mnisters" and had gone through the training at Hallelujah Acres in South Carolina twice and had attended the CHIP (Coronary Health Improvement Project) training also. We followed a very healthy nutritional program. Even so, I had struggled with obesity most of my life. I also was not one to exercise. I certainly was not a "couch potato" but did not do intentional exercise. When we retired in December of 2006 we moved from Pocatello, ID to Salt Lake City, UT so I could be Nanny to our grandchildren. Our daughter, a physician and her attorney husband had 2 girls ages 5 and 8. They were in the process of adopting 2 children from an orphanage in Haiti. The little boy came home in January of 2007 and the little girl came home in June of 2007. They were 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 when they came home. I worked 10 1/2 hours a day 5 days a week. I cherished every moment with the grandchildren and felt so blessed to be able to care for them and love them like only a grandma could. I am a hard worker and worked hard caring for the children and doing some housework and some cooking.
When I went in to see the doctor she asked if I had brought in my prescription bottles - remember she is a doctor who only sees senior citizens and she is used to them being on many medications. I told her I was not taking any medications and that I was very healthy. Then she asked me if I had any pain anyplace - joint pain, etc. I told her I had no pain. That I felt very well and that I had just come in because I needed to have a doctor just in case of an emergency and that medicare covered one physical. I shared with her my lifestyle and that I was very healthy for a 65 year old woman. She did a simple exam and also a manual breast exam. She felt a "pea"size lump on the left breast and so she wanted me to go to the "diagnostic" mammogram cancer center for a mammogram.

The day after I saw Dr. Joseph we headed for the Oregon Coast for a weeks vacation at the beach and a family reunion. I couldn't even feel what Dr. Joseph felt in my breast so I wasn't very concerned.

I made the appointment for the mammogram on August 8, 2008. We were planning to leave in the afternoon for a weekend trip to Bear Lake to meet with some friends from Pocatello for a weekend campout.

I arrived early for the mammogram and at that time did not realize the difference between a "diagnostic" mammogram and a "routine" mammogram. As I sat in the waiting room with probably about 8 -10 other women I realized that each of them there had been called back in as something had shown on their "regular" mammogram. I must say it was a very depressing place to be as everyone had fear in their eyes and voices.

I was called in for the mammogram and the technician was great. She was communicative about what she was doing and let me look at the digital pictures of my breast on the computer screen. There was nothing where Dr. Joseph had felt the pea size lump, but there was something that was of concern in another part of the same breast. It showed up very clearly and even so I wasn't real concerned as I have always had fibrocystic breast and just figured it was a benign lump. I had had to breast biopsy's in the past and they were just fine.

The radiologist was concerned enough that he called Dr. Joseph and requested permission to go ahead and do an ultra sound immediately. So I waited a bit until they could work me in and do the ultra sound. He again found the suspicious spot and told me he wanted me to come back the first of the week for a needle biopsy. I told him I would let him know when I could come as my schedule was busy and I would need to take some time off to have the biopsy. I told him I was a nanny for our daughter and she was a doctor and would want me to get in as soon as possible so I would call and let him know when I could come. Then he said, no, I want to do the biopsy NOW. So I waited a while longer and he then did the biopsy. He told me he was 95% sure it was a malignancy. It concerned me some, but I was still so sure I was low risk I didn't think too much of it. The Radiologist said they would have the results the next Tuesday - August 12th.

When I left the hospital I went home and we then headed to Bear Lake for the weekend. I have to admit that it was on my mind most of the weekend. I only told one person that weekend about my concern.

When one is facing a potential malignancy it is easy to be overcome with fear. Even so I had a great weekend with great people and I did not allow myself to dwell on what may be down the road for me.

65 ~ AND PROUD OF IT!!

May 30, 2008 - My 65th birthday! Wow! How did I get here?? Where did the years go? In the mail there was a letter from Medicare with a medicare card. I looked at that letter and told my husband that that letter had gone to the wrong address ~ it should have gone to the "old lady" up the street. He calmly told me that my name was on the medicare card! So we chuckled together over my new status of being 65 and on medicare.

The next day we received a letter from medicare saying that when one first qualifies for medicare that a one and only one time physical is available free if taken advantage of within the first 90 days after turning 65.

We had recently received a advertising brochure from a near by hospital telling of a new Senior clinic opening and available to those over 55. So I decided to make an apointment and go in to get established with a doctor. We had moved to Salt Lake City a year and a half ago and had not yet seen a doctor.

So in the next few weeks I called and made an appointment for July 17th at 1:30 p.m. to see Dr. Laurene Joseph.